Doubt

“If it burns your soul with purpose and desire, it’s your duty to be reduced to ashes by it. Any other form of existence will be yet another dull book in the library of life.” Charles Bukowski

This week has been a testing week. My body is still recovering from last week’s 25 pier swim, I have been offered 2 really good opportunities work wise which I had to turn down for various reasons, I had a tough situation which involved third parties who were not supposed to be involved that I now need to try and resolve and have been having doubts about my dream to swim 40km across a channel on the other side of the world. I have been questioning if I can physically fit in a the training required to do this as well as run a practice, non-profit company and be on an open water swimming committee?

Thankfully I have incredible community who can walk this journey with me, I can express my concerns and doubts and they are honest enough to simply listen and say they don’t have the answer. They don’t try and diminish the bigness of my dream, they don’t discourage it, and they simply listen, express understanding and encourage me in my realness. They are real with me and that is all I need. We all need real friends to journey this life with us.

I don’t know how I am going to fit it all in. My doubt is not whether I can swim for 40km. My doubt is whether the sacrifices required to swim 40km are worth the expected outcome. My doubt is if I have the capacity to give up what is required to get across that channel. I doubt if I have the capacity to fit in the recovery and energy required to fundraise over R200 000. I doubt if I can continue dreaming of making a significant impact on conservation and development whilst running a business and fitting in a ‘balanced’ life. I doubt if swimming 40km will make more of an impact with all the sacrifices required than using that training time to do something here and now. I doubt if I can continue to stay so focused with over 18 months to go.

But despite these doubts, there is something deep within my soul that ‘burns with purpose and desire’ something that keeps me going despite the doubts and tough times, despite the pain and fatigue, despite the financial sacrifices and despite the unknown and uncontrollable nature of life.

I believe in a bigger calling than living an average life

It is because of this deep desire and innate belief in something bigger than me and my dream that I continue to chip away at the goal I have set before myself. I believe in a bigger calling than living an average life I don’t want to be a dull book that gathers dust, I want to be well used with torn pages and faded writing. I want to be an inspiration and make a significant impact on the world around me through me following my dreams and living an authentic life.

Author: sarah

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